I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
