i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
