She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
