walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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