I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
