Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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