I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
