I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
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nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
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How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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