I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Please, let me fuck your mom
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
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At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
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Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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