Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
