this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
