My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
