I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
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No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
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FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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