The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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