Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
