Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
