Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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