I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize