i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
