I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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