My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
