guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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