I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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