Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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