Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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