It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We are all done wearing pants today
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
