I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
