A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
