you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know