I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
