He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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