He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
