just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
