I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
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I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
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I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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