; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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