Tell her she can't have a vagina
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
