New invention idea: vibrating tampons
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
