I accidentally had phone sex last night
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
