I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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