I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
