Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
