So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
