Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
