he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
