and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Is it because I queefed?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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