i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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