I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
