i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
