You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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