Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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