This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
