words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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