The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
