if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
