The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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