you turned your livingroom into a bong?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
