I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I wish you could order shots online.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
