I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
