I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
