I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
