Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
