Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
